To-Day's Weather:
Fog of War, burning off by Independence. Winds of Change out of the N.N.E. at 13 knots. Tea: harbor-temperature.

Price:
THREE PENCE · 25¢ · or one (1) truth, gently used. Free to Minute-men, Walruses & the Postmaster's cousin.

✦ AN UNDERGROUND BROADSIDE OF RECORD ✦

The Midnight Patriot

Est. 1776 · re-Est. 1969 · re-re-Est. 1993, in a garage, on a borrowed ditto machine

JOIN, or DIE.

VOL. XIII ★ No. 76 PRINTED IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT PHILADELPHIA · GONZALES · FOX, ARK. · THE ETHER JULY 4, 1776 & also 1969 & also 1993 ✟ CHRIST IS KING CITY HALL CORDIALLY UNINVITED

an intolerable act of publishing

THE PRESS RISES AT DAWN;
KING'S CENSORS BAFFLED

Being a full & true Account of a Web-Site presently assembling itself in a secret location; the Editors promise lanterns, liberty, and at least one lava lamp. Until then, this broadside shall have to do. Pass it along. Then eat it.

Coming Soon

WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, A LOADING SCREEN filed from beneath the floorboards

By A GENTLEMAN IN A POWDERED WIG (name withheld, obviously)

When in the Course of human Events it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Placeholder which has connected them with the Internet, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation. The causes are these: the old page was boring. We hold this truth to be self-evident.

Witnesses report that the coming Site was seen at midnight, travelling by post-road under a tarpaulin, escorted by three fife players and a man who claims to have personally taught the Liberty Bell to feedback through a Marshall stack. Customs officers attempted to inspect the cargo and were handed a pamphlet, a slice of johnnycake, and a kazoo. They are reportedly still reading the pamphlet.

The Royal Governor has denounced this publication as “seditious, psychedelic, and worst of all, mimeographed.” The Editors accept all three charges and have had them printed on a commemorative stamp, three cents, see the philatelic bureau at right.

Asked when the Site shall arrive, the Editors answered only by pointing at the eastern horizon, then at a rubber stamp, then at the eastern horizon again, which frankly we found theatrical but effective.

❦ ❦ ❦

“One if by land, two if by sea, three if by dial-up — and if the line be busy, hang the lanterns anyway.” — overheard at the Old North Church switchboard

THE WALRUS WAS AT THE TEA PARTY, INSISTS LOCAL LYCEUM arts & sedition desk

By OUR CORRESPONDENT IN A KALEIDOSCOPE

Scholars at the Gonzales Free Lyceum have concluded, after eleven hours of listening to a harpsichord record backwards, that the walrus was present at the Boston Tea Party, disguised as a crate of Darjeeling. “Play the Declaration in reverse,” testified one member, eyes like pinwheels, “and it distinctly says turn on, tune in, drop the tea.” The Lyceum has been asked to stop. The Lyceum has declined.

Relatedly, the Committee of Correspondence & Vibrations reminds all subscribers that the prism is not a symbol of anything. It is simply a prism. The rainbow, however, knows what it did.

MINUTEMAN MODEM CORPS NOW MUSTERING notices & musters

By THE DRILLMASTER, whose wig is on backwards

Able-bodied patriots wanted for the Minuteman Modem Corps: must be ready to connect at a minute's notice, must tolerate the sacred screech of the handshake, must never, under interrogation, reveal the family's second phone line. Drill is Thursdays behind the granary. Bring your own beige box. The password is the smell of ditto fluid; you will know it when it knows you.

The Corps' first assignment is already posted to the board in invisible ink: guard the Site until it ships. Rations: hardtack, orange soda, one (1) commemorative stamp per volunteer.

LIBERTY SHORTWAVE

7.415 MHz · UPPER SIDEBAND · NIGHTLY

0100	Rooster-Crow Test Tone (do not be alarmed; be alerted)
0200	Readings from the Declaration, slow-jam arrangement
0300	Brother Ezekiel's Weather, Grain Prices & Prophecy Hour
0345	Coded Birthday Greetings (happy birthday, “Turnip”)
0400	Kaleidoscope Frequencies — do NOT adjust your mind
0500	Dead Air (on purpose) (or IS it)
2400	THE MIDNIGHT PATRIOT HOUR — launch bulletins, bell news, snake facts

If the station drifts, so should you. Repeats broadcast upside-down for readers of the purple supplement.

⚜ PHILATELIC BUREAU ⚜

3¢ FIRST SNAKE OF THE REPUBLIC · 1754 SERIES

3¢ CRACKED BUT LOUD · PHILADELPHIA MINT

13¢ AIR MAIL, VIA THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON

The Bell, mid-soundcheck. The crack is intentional; it is called character, and also a lawsuit.

spirit of ’76, condition: mint, never hinged

Classified

Evidence

PUBLICK NOTICES & CLASSIFIEDS

three lines for a shilling · lies cost extra · the typesetter is asleep and it shows

FOR SALE One (1) tricorner hat, mildly psychedelic, changes color when the wearer tells the truth. Worn once, briefly, at a hearing. 4 shillings OBO. Box 13.

WANTED Fife player who knows “Purple Haze.” Must own fife. Uniform provided; dignity not. Apply at the granary, knock thrice, hum the third verse of anything.

LOST Thirteen colonies. Answer to “the united States.” If found, DO NOT TREAD. Reward: one honest government, lightly used.

MISSED CONNECTION You: redcoat, checkpoint on the post road, confiscated my pamphlets. Me: minuteman, said “you can't confiscate an idea.” You said “watch me.” Coffee sometime?

SEEKING PEN-PALS of the shortwave persuasion. I broadcast numbers; you broadcast numbers. Neither of us knows what they mean. That's friendship. QSL cards exchanged. — “Turnip”

NOTICE The Committee for the Preservation of the Committee will meet Tuesday to discuss whether to meet. Minutes of the last meeting were eaten per protocol.

READ THE OTHER WAY, FRIEND. Nothing hidden here. That's exactly what we'd print if there were. — MGMT

FOR TRADE Complete run of this newspaper (issues 1–75, some singed) for one working antenna or a very tall friend willing to stand on the roof holding a coat hanger during the Midnight Hour.

SERVICES Will engrave your silhouette in the heroic style: powdered wig, distant gaze, small lightning. Satisfaction guaranteed or your likeness returned to the void. 2¢ per jawline.

WANTED Fishing buddy who don’t narrate. Must supply own bait, own silence. City-Hall types & men who “just wanna talk it out” need not apply. Ask for Delbert, second mailbox.

SEEKING One (1) real conversation, offered by a furniture salesman, 6’1” & widening on purpose. Will trade a whole sales commission for it — terrible exchange rate, still buying.

VOLUNTEERS for the Brisket Vigil, 4 a.m. shift, coffee no. 3. Duties: watch the smoker, do NOT open the lid, hum a hymn. Payment in burnt ends (family & clergy only).

NOTICE Whisky & Cigar Night on the tailgate, dusk, after the bonfire. One glass, one cigar, no phones. Admission: a firm handshake. The cannon is decorative; the fellowship is not.

TO CITY HALL: the cannon is decorative, the fire is fellowship, the brisket answers to the Almighty. You are cordially uninvited. File a Form 9 about it. — MGMT

MEETINGS The Iron Church (congregation of one, doors never locked) & the Holler Reading Circle convene second Tuesday, after the cigars are lit. End the Fed, then stack the chairs. Christ is King — see you Tuesday ✟

ANNOUNCEMENT The Web-Site remains COMING SOON. Those wishing to be notified may stand on any hill at dusk and watch for the second lantern. Or just check back. The hill thing is optional. H.A.G.S. — stay free ✌

FOUND One rattle, thirteen segments, still warm. Owner may claim it by treading absolutely nowhere near us.

Cat. No.	Issue	Denom.	Condition	Acquired / Remarks
PP-001	The Upward Memorandum	1¢	MINT	Inherited from Great-Aunt Prudence, folded inside her powder horn.
PP-002	The Polite Invitation	2¢	SUPERB	Swap meet, Gonzales fairground, 1993. Seller winked. Cannon winked back.
PP-003	The Coiled Correspondent	3¢	MNH*	*Never Hinged is a legal term. Do not touch. Do not tread. Do not.
PP-005	The Audible Grievance	5¢	VF	Crack authenticated by three separate uncles.
PP-008	The Divided Serpent	8¢	GOOD	Eight segments. Ninth segment is a rumor spread by New Hampshire.
PP-010	I Am the Eggman (Allegedly)	10¢	FINE	Traded for a mono pressing and two bootleg pamphlets. No regrets stated.
PP-013	Refraction Act of 1769	13¢	FINE USED	Cancelled mid-light-show. The postmark hums in E minor.
PP-076	The Round Table of Betsy R.	76¢	VF	All 13 stars verified by candlelight, twice, then once more to be sure.
PP-???	THE FULL EXHIBITION	0¢	COMING SOON	Announced on shortwave. Confirmed by nobody. Guaranteed by me.

Brisket — The Long Vigil
Hour	Internal	What’s Happening
0:00	38°	On cold. Trim silver-skin. Pray briefly.
2:00	115°	Bark setting. Do not open the lid, Earl.
5:00	150°	THE STALL. Faith is tested. Refill coffee.
6:30	165°	Wrap in butcher paper. Whisper to it.
9:00	195°	Probe slides like warm butter. Nearly.
10:00	203°	Off. Rest an hour. Longer if you’re holy.

Wood Selection Chart
Wood	Punch	Best For
Post-Oak	Steady	Brisket. The one true wood of the holler.
Hickory	Bold	Ribs, pork shoulder, bacon, showing off.
Mesquite	A Threat	Quick sears only. Respect it or regret it.
Apple	Sweet	Poultry & the wife’s good opinion.
Pecan	Mellow	All day. Falls off the neighbor’s tree free.

Score Card — Sunday Plinking League
Shooter	Score	Remarks
Pastor Boone	48/50	Steady hands. Steadier prayers.
Cousin Verl	41/50	Blames the wind. There was no wind.
The Cans	0/50	Casualties: 11. A well-regulated afternoon.

Program Schedule — 7.355 MHz
Hr	Programme
19:00	The Committee of Correspondence Hour (mostly gossip)
20:00	Whittling With Persistence
21:00	NUMBERS STATION (it's just Alex reading his essays)
22:00	Backwards Records: What Is The Walrus Saying?
23:00	Sign-off · anthem · 13 bell strikes · goodnight, patriots

NO. 46 — LATE EDITION
Convenes weekly in the fellowship hall, Stone County. Second Tuesday, after the cigars are lit. Newcomers welcome; hecklers priced accordingly.

WEATHER
Cold, hard, and sound — like the money ought to be. Chance of revival by nightfall. Bring a coat and a copy of the Constitution.

★ FOX, ARKANSAS VOL. MDCCLXXVI PRICE: ONE SILVER DIME (NOT A FED NOTE) SUNDAY AFTER THE BONFIRE ★ DEO GRATIAS

Order of the Evening · Chairs Optional · Ideas Mandatory

Nobody's In Charge, And That's The Whole Point

Every second Tuesday we meet under a leaky tent outside Fox, Arkansas, to read dead economists by lamplight, argue about interest rates, and pass a plate that City Hall keeps trying to tax. We do not agree on much. We agree the market sorts it out, the coffee is bottomless, and Christ is King. The website, like the Kingdom, is COMING SOON.

The Canon — Engraved For The Reading Circle

handle with clean hands

Portraits struck in the heroic woodcut style by our resident engraver, who charges two cents a jawline. Referenced here with respect, gratitude, and the occasional joke — the men are serious; only City Hall is the punchline. Reserve your copy at the desk; do not dog-ear the Mises.

CANON

LUDWIG VON MISES “Human Action”

MOST LIKELY TO SAY "PRAXEOLOGY" — do not interrupt him; he is nine hundred pages from the point and every one of them counts.

CANON

FRIEDRICH HAYEK “the knowledge problem”

MOST LIKELY TO REMIND YOU NOBODY'S IN CHARGE — and that this is a feature, not a bug. Prices know things City Hall never will.

CANON

MILTON FRIEDMAN “TANSTAAFL”

MOST LIKELY TO SPLIT THE LUNCH CHECK — there ain't no such thing as a free one. Somebody paid; usually you, later, quietly.

CANON

THOMAS SOWELL “trade-offs”

MOST LIKELY TO CORRECT YOU GENTLY — there are no solutions, only trade-offs. Write that on the tent, then read it again.

CANON

RON PAUL “End the Fed”

POLITEST MAN, MOST RADICAL LEDGER — hard money, small talk, and a voting record that scared the whole cloakroom.

CANON

RAND PAUL “the floor is mine”

FILIBUSTER ENTHUSIAST — will hold the floor until sunrise or until the cornbread runs out, whichever the Lord permits first.

The Colors & The Minutes

yellow over black

DON'T TAX ME, BRO

TAXATION IS A PERMIT FEE
TO CITY HALL

flown at half-mast whenever a new ordinance passes — which is often

Minutes

HUMAN ACTION READING CIRCLE — MEETING MINUTES

Second Tuesday · Fox, AR · Recorded by the Corresponding Secretary between cigar puffs

Call to order. Chairman gaveled with a silver dollar. Motion to note that no one appointed the Chairman; the Chairman emerged spontaneously, as Hayek foretold. Motion carried, more or less, without a vote.
The potluck. No one coordinated the dishes, yet we received four casseroles, zero identical, and exactly enough cornbread. Spontaneous order confirmed at 6:41 p.m. Mrs. Alvey's beans priced themselves out of the market by 7:10.
Old business. The Fed was, once again, roundly criticized. Motion to End It reintroduced; tabled only because we ran out of chalk. (See ART. 7 re: chalk being a scarce good with a trade-off.)
Sound-money bake sale. Proceeds strong. We accept silver, pre-'65 coin, cured meat, or labor. One (1) Federal Reserve Note was tendered and used, respectfully, as a bookmark in the Mises.
City Hall. Read aloud the letter denying our assembly permit on grounds that "spirited discussion of interest rates constitutes a disturbance." Laughter recorded. Letter filed under Comedy.
New business. Brother Tom moved that we admit there are no solutions, only trade-offs. Seconded warmly. Nobody could think of a costless objection, which rather proved his point.
Adjournment. Cigars extinguished, whisky corked, chairs stacked by whoever felt like it (they all got stacked). Closed in prayer. Next week: Chapter XV, and Lord willing, dry weather.

respectfully submitted — the Corresponding Sec'y, in the margin, by lamplight Ratified

Free-Market Revival — Under Canvas

bring your soul & a folding chair

✝ Christ Is King ✝

“Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.” — and unto City Hall, a firmly worded letter.

After the seminar we roll back the banned-book table, unstack the chairs, and hold a plain Sunday service right here under the canvas. No collection plate is passed with a gun; the plate is passed with a hymn, and you give because your heart is glad, not because an ordinance made you. That is the whole difference, said gently: the tithe is an offering, the tax is a bill. One you bring; the other comes for you.

We are not sore about it. We pray for the folks at City Hall too — even the one who stamped DENIED on the cannon and ruled it "decorative." Especially him. He needs it, and the coffee's on us.

✝ ORDER OF SERVICE: cornbread & fellowship, one hymn (we know three), a short word on liberty & the Lord, a longer word if Brother Randal gets the floor, cigars on the tailgate after, whisky for them that partake, and everybody home by ten. All are welcome. Christ is King. Amen.

the canvas leaks; Providence provides; bring a hat

Read It Twice

PUBLICK NOTICES OF THE READING ROOM

three lines for a silver dime · opinions strong · the typesetter has been reading Rothbard again

FOR SALE One (1) hardback of Human Action, spine intact, marginalia in three hands and two centuries. Slight cigar aroma; adds authority. Best offer in silver. Box 14, Fox, AR.

WANTED Someone to explain the knowledge problem to City Hall using only hand puppets. Prior experience with hostile audiences preferred. Bring your own gain from trade.

NOTICE The Committee to Abolish Committees will not meet, on principle, and considers this its finest session to date. Minutes unavailable; there was no chairman, and it worked beautifully.

LOST One (1) free lunch. Answers to nothing, because it never existed. If someone offers you one, check your pockets, then check your grandchildren's.

MISSED CONNECTION You: the clerk who denied our tent permit. Me: the fella who filed it four times. You said "no." I said "the market will provide a field." It did. Coffee sometime, no hard feelings?

SEEKING Fife-and-ledger duo for the bake sale. Must love hard money and hymns. Must tolerate a rousing forty-minute argument about the gold standard mid-song. Whisky provided; dignity BYO.

SERVICES Will engrave your likeness in the heroic style of the Canon above — distant gaze, small spectacles, ledger in hand. 2¢ per jawline; economists half off, they have the bones for it.

FOR TRADE Complete run of this broadsheet (iss. 1–45, some singed at the bonfire) for one pre-'65 silver dollar or a firm handshake witnessed by two sober men.

ANNOUNCEMENT The full Reading Room web-site remains COMING SOON — delayed, naturally, by a City Hall zoning review of the URL. We are appealing. To Heaven, mostly. soli Deo gloria — see you Tuesday ✌

FOUND One (1) rattle, thirteen segments, yellow-over-black. Owner may claim it by promising not to tread on us, sign here, notarized by the Almighty.

6:00	The Fog of War, Burning Off by Independence
7:15	1776, With Special Guest 1776
8:00	City Hall Denied The Permit (a re-run)
9:00	The Brisket Vigil, Hour III
10:00	Do Not Adjust Your Wig
11:00	Appeal to Heaven, Then Refresh

Single TEZ Dispenser (assorted head, our choosing)	3¢
The Liberty Belle (cracked, rings anyhow)	5¢
The Dark-Side Prism (refracted, air-mail)	13¢
Refill Sleeve — 13 tablets, pure corn-syrup	1¢
THE FULL SET OF THIRTEEN COLONIES	29¢
Gentleman’s Reserve (adult; dispenses nothing)	1 cigar
Postage, Handling & General Hollerin’	2¢

Enumerated Soul	Trade	Chief Cope	Est. Loneliness (mHz)	Bench (lb)	Prospects
“Big” Dale	Sofa Evangelist	Whisky, neat	7,400	315	Denied by City Hall
Cousin Verl	Small-engine repair	Cigars & grievance	6,100	245	Pending, spiritually
The Preacher’s Nephew	Part-time everything	Scripture & squats	4,900	405	Cautiously hopeful
Otis From The Gym	Night-shift stocker	Deadlifts	8,200	500	Unbothered, huge
The Author (me)	Furniture, commission	All of the above	9,999	285	“COMING SOON”
A Man Named Cletus	Reads von Mises aloud	The gold standard	5,300	225	Zoned out of hope

Verbatim TranscriptReel No. 1776-A · declassified

Tonight's ProgrammePatriot-Vision · Channel MDCCLXXVI

1776 WillCommenceAgain— and this time it is load-balanced —

THE PRESS RISES AT DAWN;KING'S CENSORS BAFFLED

WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, A LOADING SCREEN filed from beneath the floorboards

THE WALRUS WAS AT THE TEA PARTY, INSISTS LOCAL LYCEUM arts & sedition desk

MINUTEMAN MODEM CORPS NOW MUSTERING notices & musters

PUBLICK NOTICES & CLASSIFIEDS

PLATE I — REBELLION, ASSORTED

PLATE II — VISIONS & ARTILLERY

Acquisition Ledger & Condition Census

I. On the Smoking of Meats Low & Slow · Or Don’t Bother the Lord With It

★ BURNT ENDS DEPT. ★

II. The Bonfire A Lawful Assembly of Firewood & Neighbors

III. Fishing Report Holler-Creek & The Big Muddy

— ANGLERS’ CLASSIFIEDS —

IV. Marksmanship A Well-Regulated Hobby, Being Necessary

V. Whisky & Cigar — The Porch Pairing Tasting Notes, Composed By A Man Who Owns One Glass

Georgie Washingtone “The General”

Tommy Jeffersong “Quill”

Benny Franklin-Stone “Sparky”

Betsy Rosse “Stitch”

Sam Addams “Firebrand”

Marty Walrus “goo goo g'joob”

Paul Reverely “Midnight”

Abby Addams-Moon “Remember”

Alex Hamiltone “Ten Dollar”

Patrick Henrix “Liberty”

Johnny Handcock “Big John”

Otis From The Gym “Mass”

Big Dale Hutchins “The Closer”

Deborah Gannett “Bobby”

⚐ Rattlesnake Handling Society

△ Prism & Light Appreciation Club

♫ Lonely Hearts Marching Band

⌁ Shortwave & Pamphleteering Guild

✝ The Iron Church & Holler Reading Circle

Nobody's In Charge, And That's The Whole Point

The Canon — Engraved For The Reading Circle

LUDWIG VON MISES “Human Action”

FRIEDRICH HAYEK “the knowledge problem”

MILTON FRIEDMAN “TANSTAAFL”

THOMAS SOWELL “trade-offs”

RON PAUL “End the Fed”

RAND PAUL “the floor is mine”

The Colors & The Minutes

HUMAN ACTION READING CIRCLE — MEETING MINUTES

Free-Market Revival — Under Canvas

PUBLICK NOTICES OF THE READING ROOM

SGT REVERE’SELECTRIC RATTLESNAKE BAND with The Ditto Machine & The Powdered Wig Experience

MIMEOGRAPHED SUPPLEMENT No. 7½

Collect All Thirteen Colonies!

THE TEZ MAIL-ORDER COUPON

The Gentleman’s Reserve

We Regret To Inform You That You Are Still Here, And So Are We

The Sales-Floor Grind ReportWhere The Ottoman Is Spiritual Warfare

The Doomer HoroscopeThe Stars Have Read Your Bank Statement & Sighed

The Lonesome PersonalsA Column I Write, Answer, And Cry About Alone

THE ELECTRICMINUTEMEN

Radio Free Parchment

WALRUS SPOTTED CROSSING THE DELAWARE

CLASSIFIEDS

COME ANDTAKE IT

AUTOGRAPHS & SUPERLATIVES — CLASS OF 1776 (REUNION ’69, RE-REUNION ’93)

1776 Will
Commence
Again— and this time it is load-balanced —

THE PRESS RISES AT DAWN;
KING'S CENSORS BAFFLED

SGT REVERE’S
ELECTRIC RATTLESNAKE BAND with The Ditto Machine & The Powdered Wig Experience

THE ELECTRIC
MINUTEMEN

COME AND
TAKE IT