★ BULLETIN ★ INTERCEPTED AT 7.415 MHz — THE SITE IS COMING, THE SITE IS COMING — one if by LAN, two if by C: drive — DO NOT ADJUST YOUR WIG — the walrus was at Lexington — 13 colonies, 0 cookies collected — APPEAL TO HEAVEN, then refresh — tonight's bonfire is BYO-torch — mimeograph fluid ration doubled by order of the Editors — COMING SOON in finer taverns everywhere —  ★ BULLETIN ★ INTERCEPTED AT 7.415 MHz — THE SITE IS COMING, THE SITE IS COMING — one if by LAN, two if by C: drive — DO NOT ADJUST YOUR WIG — the walrus was at Lexington — 13 colonies, 0 cookies collected — APPEAL TO HEAVEN, then refresh — tonight's bonfire is BYO-torch — mimeograph fluid ration doubled by order of the Editors — COMING SOON in finer taverns everywhere — 
To-Day's Weather:
Fog of War, burning off by Independence. Winds of Change out of the N.N.E. at 13 knots. Tea: harbor-temperature.
Price:
THREE PENCE · 25¢ · or one (1) truth, gently used. Free to Minute-men, Walruses & the Postmaster's cousin.

✦ AN UNDERGROUND BROADSIDE OF RECORD ✦

The Midnight Patriot

Est. 1776 · re-Est. 1969 · re-re-Est. 1993, in a garage, on a borrowed ditto machine

S.C. N.C. V. M. P. N.J. N.Y. N.E.
JOIN, or DIE.

an intolerable act of publishing

THE PRESS RISES AT DAWN;
KING'S CENSORS BAFFLED

Being a full & true Account of a Web-Site presently assembling itself in a secret location; the Editors promise lanterns, liberty, and at least one lava lamp. Until then, this broadside shall have to do. Pass it along. Then eat it.

Coming Soon

WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, A LOADING SCREEN filed from beneath the floorboards

When in the Course of human Events it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Placeholder which has connected them with the Internet, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation. The causes are these: the old page was boring. We hold this truth to be self-evident.

Witnesses report that the coming Site was seen at midnight, travelling by post-road under a tarpaulin, escorted by three fife players and a man who claims to have personally taught the Liberty Bell to feedback through a Marshall stack. Customs officers attempted to inspect the cargo and were handed a pamphlet, a slice of johnnycake, and a kazoo. They are reportedly still reading the pamphlet.

The Royal Governor has denounced this publication as “seditious, psychedelic, and worst of all, mimeographed.” The Editors accept all three charges and have had them printed on a commemorative stamp, three cents, see the philatelic bureau at right.

Asked when the Site shall arrive, the Editors answered only by pointing at the eastern horizon, then at a rubber stamp, then at the eastern horizon again, which frankly we found theatrical but effective.

❦ ❦ ❦
“One if by land, two if by sea, three if by dial-up — and if the line be busy, hang the lanterns anyway.” — overheard at the Old North Church switchboard

THE WALRUS WAS AT THE TEA PARTY, INSISTS LOCAL LYCEUM arts & sedition desk

Scholars at the Gonzales Free Lyceum have concluded, after eleven hours of listening to a harpsichord record backwards, that the walrus was present at the Boston Tea Party, disguised as a crate of Darjeeling. “Play the Declaration in reverse,” testified one member, eyes like pinwheels, “and it distinctly says turn on, tune in, drop the tea.” The Lyceum has been asked to stop. The Lyceum has declined.

Relatedly, the Committee of Correspondence & Vibrations reminds all subscribers that the prism is not a symbol of anything. It is simply a prism. The rainbow, however, knows what it did.

MINUTEMAN MODEM CORPS NOW MUSTERING notices & musters

Able-bodied patriots wanted for the Minuteman Modem Corps: must be ready to connect at a minute's notice, must tolerate the sacred screech of the handshake, must never, under interrogation, reveal the family's second phone line. Drill is Thursdays behind the granary. Bring your own beige box. The password is the smell of ditto fluid; you will know it when it knows you.

The Corps' first assignment is already posted to the board in invisible ink: guard the Site until it ships. Rations: hardtack, orange soda, one (1) commemorative stamp per volunteer.

Classified
Evidence

PUBLICK NOTICES & CLASSIFIEDS

three lines for a shilling · lies cost extra · the typesetter is asleep and it shows

FOR SALE One (1) tricorner hat, mildly psychedelic, changes color when the wearer tells the truth. Worn once, briefly, at a hearing. 4 shillings OBO. Box 13.

WANTED Fife player who knows “Purple Haze.” Must own fife. Uniform provided; dignity not. Apply at the granary, knock thrice, hum the third verse of anything.

LOST Thirteen colonies. Answer to “the united States.” If found, DO NOT TREAD. Reward: one honest government, lightly used.

MISSED CONNECTION You: redcoat, checkpoint on the post road, confiscated my pamphlets. Me: minuteman, said “you can't confiscate an idea.” You said “watch me.” Coffee sometime?

SEEKING PEN-PALS of the shortwave persuasion. I broadcast numbers; you broadcast numbers. Neither of us knows what they mean. That's friendship. QSL cards exchanged. — “Turnip”

NOTICE The Committee for the Preservation of the Committee will meet Tuesday to discuss whether to meet. Minutes of the last meeting were eaten per protocol.

READ THE OTHER WAY, FRIEND. Nothing hidden here. That's exactly what we'd print if there were. — MGMT

FOR TRADE Complete run of this newspaper (issues 1–75, some singed) for one working antenna or a very tall friend willing to stand on the roof holding a coat hanger during the Midnight Hour.

SERVICES Will engrave your silhouette in the heroic style: powdered wig, distant gaze, small lightning. Satisfaction guaranteed or your likeness returned to the void. 2¢ per jawline.

ANNOUNCEMENT The Web-Site remains COMING SOON. Those wishing to be notified may stand on any hill at dusk and watch for the second lantern. Or just check back. The hill thing is optional. H.A.G.S. — stay free ✌

FOUND One rattle, thirteen segments, still warm. Owner may claim it by treading absolutely nowhere near us.

PLATE I — REBELLION, ASSORTED

FOLIO 13 · GUM INTACT · DO NOT MOISTEN

Poster stamps of the First Uprising, reprinted during the Second, hoarded during the Third.

DONT TREAD ON ME U.S. FRUSTRATION MAIL

No. 003 — “THE COILED CORRESPONDENT”
3¢ · mustard on mustard · rattle articulated
MINT NEVER HINGED (a lie; see hinge)

it hissed when i steamed it. noted.
THE DARK SIDE OF THE COLONIES 13¢ NO DARK SIDE OF THE UNION, REALLY

No. 013 — “REFRACTION ACT OF 1769”
13¢ · obsidian & spectrum · glows if you believe
FINE USED · cancel obtained at a light show

hold to lava lamp for full effect
PROCLAIM LIBERTY (RING RESPONSIBLY) CRACKED IN TRANSIT · NO REFUNDS

No. 005 — “THE AUDIBLE GRIEVANCE”
5¢ · bronze on parchment · crack guaranteed genuine
VERY FINE · hinged, remorsefully

crack acquired AFTER purchase!!
S.C. N.C. V. M. P. N.J. N.Y. N.E. JOIN, or DIE. WOODCUT No. 1

No. 008 — “THE DIVIDED SERPENT”
8¢ · lampblack on rag paper · eight pieces, some assembly required
GOOD · segments do not quite align (period-correct)

glue NOT authorized by congress

PLATE II — VISIONS & ARTILLERY

FOLIO 14 · SOME GUM DISTURBED · SOME MINDS ALSO

Later issues, when the album keeper discovered both the kaleidoscope and the ditto machine.

COME AND TAKE IT GONZALES ISSUE

No. 002 — “THE POLITE INVITATION”
2¢ · lampblack on cotton bond · cannon included, cannonball sold separately
SUPERB · smells faintly of mimeograph fluid

traded two prisms for this. worth it
THE WALRUS WAS A MINUTEMAN GOO GOO G’JOUR · 10¢

No. 010 — “I AM THE EGGMAN (ALLEGEDLY)”
10¢ · scarlet / teal / gold rotogravure · spin gently
FINE · slight kaleidoscope burn at center

play the cancel backwards. i dare you
13 PERPETUAL UNION · RENEWS MONTHLY · 76¢

No. 076 — “THE ROUND TABLE OF BETSY R.”
76¢ · indigo & bone · all thirteen present and accounted for
VERY FINE · one star keeps drifting (see hover)

counted twice. still 13. good.
AN APPEAL TO HEAVEN P.S. PLEASE SEND LADDER

No. 001 — “THE UPWARD MEMORANDUM”
1¢ · pine on bone · postage to Heaven, surface rate
MINT · reply still pending (17 decades)

first stamp i ever hinged. sentimental
EVIDENCE

Acquisition Ledger & Condition Census

— typed in triplicate; the purple copy is the TRUE copy —

Cat. No.IssueDenom.ConditionAcquired / Remarks
PP-001The Upward MemorandumMINTInherited from Great-Aunt Prudence, folded inside her powder horn.
PP-002The Polite InvitationSUPERBSwap meet, Gonzales fairground, 1993. Seller winked. Cannon winked back.
PP-003The Coiled CorrespondentMNH**Never Hinged is a legal term. Do not touch. Do not tread. Do not.
PP-005The Audible GrievanceVFCrack authenticated by three separate uncles.
PP-008The Divided SerpentGOODEight segments. Ninth segment is a rumor spread by New Hampshire.
PP-010I Am the Eggman (Allegedly)10¢FINETraded for a mono pressing and two bootleg pamphlets. No regrets stated.
PP-013Refraction Act of 176913¢FINE USEDCancelled mid-light-show. The postmark hums in E minor.
PP-076The Round Table of Betsy R.76¢VFAll 13 stars verified by candlelight, twice, then once more to be sure.
PP-???THE FULL EXHIBITIONCOMING SOONAnnounced on shortwave. Confirmed by nobody. Guaranteed by me.

↑ the smell of this table is the smell of second grade. — keeper

SENIOR PORTRAITS

engraved from life! (mostly)

Georgie Washingtone “The General”

Most Likely to Secede · Cherry Tree Alibi Committee, 4 yrs

Tommy Jeffersong “Quill”

Best Penmanship & Voted Loudest Whisper · wrote this caption

Benny Franklin-Stone “Sparky”

Most Electric Personality · banned from Kite Club (insurance)

Betsy Rosse “Stitch”

Best Tambourine · sewed the band's entire wardrobe overnight

Sam Addams “Firebrand”

Most Likely to Start Something · Harbor Tea Society, founder

Marty Walrus “goo goo g'joob”

Voted Actually Paul (recount pending) · Prism Club treasurer

Paul Reverely “Midnight”

Best Drummer, Fastest Horse · one if by land, two if by encore

Abby Addams-Moon “Remember”

Most Enlightened · told the committee to remember the ladies, twice

Alex Hamiltone “Ten Dollar”

Most Non-Stop · wrote 51 essays for the school paper. This week.

Patrick Henrix “Liberty”

Best Guitar Solo (Performed With Teeth) · "give me liberty or give me feedback"

Johnny Handcock “Big John”

Biggest Signature, Three Years Running · see endpapers, obviously
PORTRAIT NOT
PICTURED —
SITTER CLAIMED
THE ENGRAVING
"STEALS THE SOUL
A LITTLE"

Deborah Gannett “Bobby”

Best Disguise · we honestly still can't find her in group photos

↑ mr. henrix played the graduation march thru a stack of hay-bale amplifiers. the cows have opinions now ↑

II

CLUBS & SECRET(ish) SOCIETIES

⚐ Rattlesnake Handling Society

DONT TREAD ON ME — official motto, official spelling, do not write to us about the apostrophe again, Nigel. We meet behind the woodshop. We handle exactly one (1) rattlesnake, his name is Jeremiah, and he is a senior too.

  • PresidentS. Addams
  • Snake (emeritus)Jeremiah
  • Apostrophe Defense Officervacant, obviously
  • Members who got "tread on"0 this year!

△ Prism & Light Appreciation Club

We put light through glass and wrote poems about it. Forty-one poems. The dark side of the schoolhouse remains unmapped; expedition planned for after finals. Synchronize your heartbeat to the clocktower and hum.

  • Keeper of the BeamM. Walrus
  • Poet Laureate of RefractionA. Addams-Moon
  • Poems about one triangle41

♫ Lonely Hearts Marching Band

Scarlet coats, teal cuffs, gold braid by the fathom — Miss Rosse sewed it all in one legendary night and now the band outdresses the faculty, the militia, and several visiting governors. It was thirteen colonies ago today. Repertoire: fife standards, one extremely long drum solo, and a number we are legally describing as “a tribute.”

  • Drum MajorP. Reverely
  • Fife, first chairG. Washingtone
  • Tambourine (best)B. Rosse
  • Sousaphones neededone (1) more

⌁ Shortwave & Pamphleteering Guild

Voice of the Common, broadcast from the bell tower on a rig held together with sealing wax and conviction. The purple ink is a lifestyle. Sniff a fresh ditto and tell us you don’t believe in something.

Program Schedule — 7.355 MHz
HrProgramme
19:00The Committee of Correspondence Hour (mostly gossip)
20:00Whittling With Persistence
21:00NUMBERS STATION (it's just Alex reading his essays)
22:00Backwards Records: What Is The Walrus Saying?
23:00Sign-off · anthem · 13 bell strikes · goodnight, patriots
III

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE FORMAL

theme: "1776 tickets to ride"
slow dance to the town crier (unplugged)
the light show. Marty cried. so did the chaperones
punch bowl guarded by Jeremiah (it worked)
2am. kaleidoscope broke. we looked thru it anyway

CHAPERONE'S NOTE: the "midnight ride" was scheduled for 9:30 PM. Nobody rode anywhere. Mr. Reverely did yell "THE BRITISH ARE COMING" when the visiting team's carriage arrived, which was technically accurate and is no longer a detention-able offense per student court ruling 76-13.

IV

THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS OF SOUND presents

SGT REVERE’S
ELECTRIC RATTLESNAKE BAND with The Ditto Machine & The Powdered Wig Experience

ONE NIGHT ONLY ✿ STROBES BY CANDLELIGHT ✿ NO REFUNDS, NO REDCOATS

at the OLD NORTH CHURCH BALLROOM & LICENSED TEA ROOM, Gonzales-upon-Ether — doors at the second lantern — light show by the Committee of Correspondence & Vibrations — the minute the amps hum, you are a minuteman

ADMISSION: 3¢ · OR ONE ACT OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE · WIGS HALF PRICE
the walrus was the opening act. pass it on.
STUB No. 0076 — KEEP FOR THE HISTORIANS
File Copy

MIMEOGRAPHED SUPPLEMENT No. 7½

Run off at 2 a.m. on the machine in Sister Prudence's root cellar. If the ink smells like grape soda and secrets, it is genuine. If it smells like nothing, you are holding a GOVERNMENT COPY and should wave at it politely.

ITEMS: (1) The bonfire is moved to Saturday on account of the bonfire committee attending a different, rival bonfire. (2) The phrase “APPEAL TO HEAVEN” has been re-approved for banners, sails, and the backs of denim jackets. (3) A member has proposed we “get a web-site.” After eleven ballots and a fistfight about fonts, the motion CARRIED. It is, and we quote the minutes, COMING SOON.

REMINDER: the newsletter is not “late.” The newsletter is on its own schedule, like the comet, the locusts, and cousin Wendell.

this line printed upside-down to defeat photocopiers & bores

Prudence — save me a seat at the Midnight Hour, and don't let Ezekiel predict my weather again

TRUST THE PRISM. QUESTION THE RAINBOW.

liberty & lava lamps forever — T.

THE PERFORATED ORDER PRESENTS

THE ELECTRIC
MINUTEMEN

with special guests

THE SONS OF LIBERTY BELL
& MADAME KALEIDOSCOPE’S TRAVELING PRISM CHOIR

ONE NIGHT ONLY ★ THE POWDER KEG BALLROOM

DOORS AT DUSK · MUSKETS IN THE CLOAKROOM · LIGHTS BY THE REFRACTION ACT
ADMISSION 3¢ OR ONE (1) HONEST PAMPHLET · NO REDCOATS (band members exempt)

Radio Free Parchment

SHORTWAVE 7.276 MHz · NIGHTLY · BRING YOUR OWN ANTENNA

19:00
Sign-on: fife, drum, 40 seconds of meaningful static
19:30
THE MIDNIGHT MIMEOGRAPH HOUR (early edition)
20:00
Stamp Prices & Grain Futures, read in a whisper
21:00
“Was the Walrus at Valley Forge?” — call-in, lines already busy
22:00
Backwards records: patriotic messages CONFIRMED
23:00
The Coming-Soon Report: what the Wall will become
23:59
Sign-off: cannon (recorded), lullaby (live)

if the dial glows, you're too close — E.F.

The Weekly Musket-BallPrice: 3¢ · Trust: Optional

WALRUS SPOTTED CROSSING THE DELAWARE

“It was barefoot and humming something in E minor,” swears decorated fife major — Ministry of Ephemera declines to deny it

Eyewitnesses at the riverbank describe a large, tusked gentleman proceeding westward across the ice “with tremendous purpose and no paperwork.” The creature reportedly paused mid-river, produced a poster stamp of itself, hinged it to the air, and continued on. Officials remind citizens that walruses cannot hold commissions in the Continental Army, to which the walrus reportedly replied “goo goo g’jour,” which our legal desk notes is neither a confirmation nor a denial. A commemorative issue is expected. Everything is expected. Watch this wall.

CONT’D ON PAGE 13 (there is no page 13)

CLASSIFIEDS

WANTED: One (1) cannonball, sentimental value only. Will trade prism, slightly haunted. Box 13.
FOR SALE: Powdered wig, powder included, opinions included, cannot be separated. Best offer.
LOST: The ninth snake segment. Answers to “New Hampshire.” Reward: 8¢ and an apology.
SEEKING: Pen pals with strong opinions on perforation gauges and/or the Crown. No redcoats. Serious inquiries only.
Coming Soon NOTICE: THIS VERY WALL is to become a WEBSITE. Full exhibition, all plates, the ledger, the wall, the works. First day of issue: SOON. Lick nothing until then.

COME AND
TAKE IT

REPLICA · ORIGINAL KEPT SOMEWHERE SAFER THAN THIS WALL

EXHIBIT A CLASSIFIED-ISH

AUTOGRAPHS & SUPERLATIVES — CLASS OF 1776 (REUNION ’69, RE-REUNION ’93)

The back page, where the album stops pretending to be organized.

H.A.G.S. — stay free ✦ Prudence see you at the bonfire, 1776 — Betsy don't let the redcoats change you 2 legit 2 secede — the ditto room gang yours in perforation, E.F. the walrus signed my copy. jealous? never lick the rattler!! John Handcock 2 COOL 2 BE TAXED stay electric, Sparky ⚡ (sorry about your eyebrows) KEEP CIRCULATING THE PAMPHLETS goo goo g’joob forever. the walrus was me. it was me the whole time. — M.W. one if by land, two if by sea, three if u want a ride to the reunion — Paul R. sssssssss — Jeremiah (dictated) Liberty forever, detention never — Sam A.