To-Day's Weather:
Fog of War, burning off by Independence. Winds of Change out of the N.N.E. at 13 knots. Tea: harbor-temperature.

Price:
THREE PENCE · 25¢ · or one (1) truth, gently used. Free to Minute-men, Walruses & the Postmaster's cousin.

✦ AN UNDERGROUND BROADSIDE OF RECORD ✦

The Midnight Patriot

Est. 1776 · re-Est. 1969 · re-re-Est. 1993, in a garage, on a borrowed ditto machine

JOIN, or DIE.

VOL. XIII ★ No. 76 PRINTED IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT PHILADELPHIA · GONZALES · THE ETHER JULY 4, 1776 & also 1969 & also 1993

an intolerable act of publishing

THE PRESS RISES AT DAWN;
KING'S CENSORS BAFFLED

Being a full & true Account of a Web-Site presently assembling itself in a secret location; the Editors promise lanterns, liberty, and at least one lava lamp. Until then, this broadside shall have to do. Pass it along. Then eat it.

Coming Soon

WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, A LOADING SCREEN filed from beneath the floorboards

By A GENTLEMAN IN A POWDERED WIG (name withheld, obviously)

When in the Course of human Events it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Placeholder which has connected them with the Internet, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation. The causes are these: the old page was boring. We hold this truth to be self-evident.

Witnesses report that the coming Site was seen at midnight, travelling by post-road under a tarpaulin, escorted by three fife players and a man who claims to have personally taught the Liberty Bell to feedback through a Marshall stack. Customs officers attempted to inspect the cargo and were handed a pamphlet, a slice of johnnycake, and a kazoo. They are reportedly still reading the pamphlet.

The Royal Governor has denounced this publication as “seditious, psychedelic, and worst of all, mimeographed.” The Editors accept all three charges and have had them printed on a commemorative stamp, three cents, see the philatelic bureau at right.

Asked when the Site shall arrive, the Editors answered only by pointing at the eastern horizon, then at a rubber stamp, then at the eastern horizon again, which frankly we found theatrical but effective.

❦ ❦ ❦

“One if by land, two if by sea, three if by dial-up — and if the line be busy, hang the lanterns anyway.” — overheard at the Old North Church switchboard

THE WALRUS WAS AT THE TEA PARTY, INSISTS LOCAL LYCEUM arts & sedition desk

By OUR CORRESPONDENT IN A KALEIDOSCOPE

Scholars at the Gonzales Free Lyceum have concluded, after eleven hours of listening to a harpsichord record backwards, that the walrus was present at the Boston Tea Party, disguised as a crate of Darjeeling. “Play the Declaration in reverse,” testified one member, eyes like pinwheels, “and it distinctly says turn on, tune in, drop the tea.” The Lyceum has been asked to stop. The Lyceum has declined.

Relatedly, the Committee of Correspondence & Vibrations reminds all subscribers that the prism is not a symbol of anything. It is simply a prism. The rainbow, however, knows what it did.

MINUTEMAN MODEM CORPS NOW MUSTERING notices & musters

By THE DRILLMASTER, whose wig is on backwards

Able-bodied patriots wanted for the Minuteman Modem Corps: must be ready to connect at a minute's notice, must tolerate the sacred screech of the handshake, must never, under interrogation, reveal the family's second phone line. Drill is Thursdays behind the granary. Bring your own beige box. The password is the smell of ditto fluid; you will know it when it knows you.

The Corps' first assignment is already posted to the board in invisible ink: guard the Site until it ships. Rations: hardtack, orange soda, one (1) commemorative stamp per volunteer.

LIBERTY SHORTWAVE

7.415 MHz · UPPER SIDEBAND · NIGHTLY

0100	Rooster-Crow Test Tone (do not be alarmed; be alerted)
0200	Readings from the Declaration, slow-jam arrangement
0300	Brother Ezekiel's Weather, Grain Prices & Prophecy Hour
0345	Coded Birthday Greetings (happy birthday, “Turnip”)
0400	Kaleidoscope Frequencies — do NOT adjust your mind
0500	Dead Air (on purpose) (or IS it)
2400	THE MIDNIGHT PATRIOT HOUR — launch bulletins, bell news, snake facts

If the station drifts, so should you. Repeats broadcast upside-down for readers of the purple supplement.

⚜ PHILATELIC BUREAU ⚜

3¢ FIRST SNAKE OF THE REPUBLIC · 1754 SERIES

3¢ CRACKED BUT LOUD · PHILADELPHIA MINT

13¢ AIR MAIL, VIA THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON

The Bell, mid-soundcheck. The crack is intentional; it is called character, and also a lawsuit.

spirit of ’76, condition: mint, never hinged

Classified

Evidence

PUBLICK NOTICES & CLASSIFIEDS

three lines for a shilling · lies cost extra · the typesetter is asleep and it shows

FOR SALE One (1) tricorner hat, mildly psychedelic, changes color when the wearer tells the truth. Worn once, briefly, at a hearing. 4 shillings OBO. Box 13.

WANTED Fife player who knows “Purple Haze.” Must own fife. Uniform provided; dignity not. Apply at the granary, knock thrice, hum the third verse of anything.

LOST Thirteen colonies. Answer to “the united States.” If found, DO NOT TREAD. Reward: one honest government, lightly used.

MISSED CONNECTION You: redcoat, checkpoint on the post road, confiscated my pamphlets. Me: minuteman, said “you can't confiscate an idea.” You said “watch me.” Coffee sometime?

SEEKING PEN-PALS of the shortwave persuasion. I broadcast numbers; you broadcast numbers. Neither of us knows what they mean. That's friendship. QSL cards exchanged. — “Turnip”

NOTICE The Committee for the Preservation of the Committee will meet Tuesday to discuss whether to meet. Minutes of the last meeting were eaten per protocol.

READ THE OTHER WAY, FRIEND. Nothing hidden here. That's exactly what we'd print if there were. — MGMT

FOR TRADE Complete run of this newspaper (issues 1–75, some singed) for one working antenna or a very tall friend willing to stand on the roof holding a coat hanger during the Midnight Hour.

SERVICES Will engrave your silhouette in the heroic style: powdered wig, distant gaze, small lightning. Satisfaction guaranteed or your likeness returned to the void. 2¢ per jawline.

ANNOUNCEMENT The Web-Site remains COMING SOON. Those wishing to be notified may stand on any hill at dusk and watch for the second lantern. Or just check back. The hill thing is optional. H.A.G.S. — stay free ✌

FOUND One rattle, thirteen segments, still warm. Owner may claim it by treading absolutely nowhere near us.

Acquisition Ledger & Condition Census

— typed in triplicate; the purple copy is the TRUE copy —

Cat. No.	Issue	Denom.	Condition	Acquired / Remarks
PP-001	The Upward Memorandum	1¢	MINT	Inherited from Great-Aunt Prudence, folded inside her powder horn.
PP-002	The Polite Invitation	2¢	SUPERB	Swap meet, Gonzales fairground, 1993. Seller winked. Cannon winked back.
PP-003	The Coiled Correspondent	3¢	MNH*	*Never Hinged is a legal term. Do not touch. Do not tread. Do not.
PP-005	The Audible Grievance	5¢	VF	Crack authenticated by three separate uncles.
PP-008	The Divided Serpent	8¢	GOOD	Eight segments. Ninth segment is a rumor spread by New Hampshire.
PP-010	I Am the Eggman (Allegedly)	10¢	FINE	Traded for a mono pressing and two bootleg pamphlets. No regrets stated.
PP-013	Refraction Act of 1769	13¢	FINE USED	Cancelled mid-light-show. The postmark hums in E minor.
PP-076	The Round Table of Betsy R.	76¢	VF	All 13 stars verified by candlelight, twice, then once more to be sure.
PP-???	THE FULL EXHIBITION	0¢	COMING SOON	Announced on shortwave. Confirmed by nobody. Guaranteed by me.

↑ the smell of this table is the smell of second grade. — keeper

Program Schedule — 7.355 MHz
Hr	Programme
19:00	The Committee of Correspondence Hour (mostly gossip)
20:00	Whittling With Persistence
21:00	NUMBERS STATION (it's just Alex reading his essays)
22:00	Backwards Records: What Is The Walrus Saying?
23:00	Sign-off · anthem · 13 bell strikes · goodnight, patriots

Program Schedule — 7.355 MHz

Programme